it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
