HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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