I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
