my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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