I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You were trust falling into bushes
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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