I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
