you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
