mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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