We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
