??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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