I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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