When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
