i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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