He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
