he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
