did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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