I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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