...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
