While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
