I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
