I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
