He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
