You can't motorboat a personality
I think I won the penis lottery.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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