My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
