Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
