I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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