I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
