I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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