You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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