it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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