So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
