I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
