I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
