We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
