im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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