We're like a lot better than the average bears
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
