If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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