Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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