he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
