He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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