I wanna passion pit in your ass
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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