I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
