In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
