hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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