At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
