you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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