I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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