I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
