You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Randomize
