i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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