i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
