Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
