just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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