So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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